Step 2: Identify the kind voice
When people have been listening to the critical voice for a long time, they find it very hard to identify their kind voice. One way to help you find your kind voice is to think about the values you apply to people you care about (e.g., friends, families)
Look at the table below and see which ones are important to you in the manner you treat your friends and family. Add any others you can think of in the empty boxes.
| Acceptance To accept my friends no matter what they do |
Caring To be caring towards others |
Kindness To be kind towards others |
| Courtesy To be polite and considerate to others |
Forgiveness To be forgiving to others |
Generosity To give people the benefit of the doubt |
| Helpfulness To be helpful to others |
Hope To keep believing in my friends |
Fun To have fun with friends and share a sense of humour with them |
| Justice To treat my friends fairly |
Service To be of help to others |
Respect To treat my friends with respect and not be harsh on them |
Do you apply any of those values to yourself?
Think how different your life would look if you applied the same values to yourself. The table below shows some suggestions about how you can apply the same values you use with friends and families to yourself. Add in your own ideas and values in the boxes.
| Acceptance To accept myself as being worthwhile no matter what I achieve |
Caring To be caring towards myself |
Kindness To feel concern for myself when I am feeling bad, and not beating myself up |
| Courtesy To be considerate of myself |
Forgiveness To be forgiving of myself |
Generosity To give myself the benefit of the doubt |
| Helpfulness To be helpful to myself, admitting that criticizing myself doesn’t get the best out of me |
Hope To keep believing in myself even when I don’t perform as well as I would like |
Fun Not to take myself too seriously and be able to laugh at myself |
| Justice To treat myself fairly and focus not just on what I do wrong but on what I like about myself |
Service To be of help to myself by offering support rather than criticism |
Respect To treat myself with respect and not be harsh on myself |
Over the next month, continue identifying your critical voice using the diary, but add 2 columns for your kind voice and your new thoughts and feelings.
| Triggering Something someone does, something you do, or an upsetting image |
Self-critical Thoughts What went through your mind? What does it say about you as a person? |
Feelings e.g. sad, anxious, depressed, angry
What did you feel? Rate how strongly you feel from 0 to 10 |
Kind voice
What would you say to a friend? How strongly do you believe in this thought (0 Not at all, 10 Completely) |
Revised feelings
How do you feel now? Rate how strong is the feeling you described earlier from 0 to 10 |
| Liz’s example: Drawing something | Liz’s example: My drawing is awful. It looks awful in comparison to others. I can never draw well. I am a failure. | Liz’s example: Upset (8/10) | Liz’s example:
You’ve only started drawing for 1 year. Most famous artists take years. Cut yourself some slack! (9/10)
It’s good that you’re trying and learning to better yourself. Keep going! You will improve. (6/10) |
Liz’s example: Upset (6/10) |
For now, you may find it hard to hear your kind voice, and the self-critical voice speaks really loudly. But that’s OK!
Like any muscle in your body, the kind voice will only get stronger the more it is used, and the self-critical voice will get weaker the less it is used. This takes time and practice.